


The Random Fic Compilation

by SpyroForLife



Category: Futurama, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Legend of Spyro, Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Spyro the Dragon (Video Games), Valdemar Series - Mercedes Lackey
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bad Jokes, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crossover, Dark Comedy, Gen, Minor Character Death, Patriotism, Politics, Prank Calls, Random & Short, Randomness, Silly, Suicide, Toilet humor, Troll Fic, War, Yo Momma Jokes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28142118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpyroForLife/pseuds/SpyroForLife
Summary: PLEASE READ SUMMARY. NONE of these fics are meant to be taken seriously. This is going to be a compilation of short stories featuring various characters, usually in nonsense crossovers, that I wrote throughout my middle school and early high school years. So we're talking between around 2008-2012ish. The writing is not good, I'll warn you already. There's hardly a semblance of a plot. These were written for one purpose and one purpose only: to be random. It was my delightful OMG so random XD phase where writing dumb, edgy things was all the rage and at the time I only shared these with close friends and otherwise kept them for myself to enjoy, printed out and stapled together as if they were books.But I have decided it is time. It is time to compile them online and unleash them upon an unsuspecting world. It brought me much joy to reread these despite how over the top and edgy they are. So with that in mind, if you're curious to see the nonsense I wrote when I was a tween, please continue. I do not expect any constructive criticism and don't want it. Some of this is over a decade old so I KNOW it's bad. It's being posted for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy!
Kudos: 1





	1. Ron's Evil Deed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you've decided to come this far, congrats. The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. This first fic, Ron's Evil Deed, involves, well. Ron Weasley doing something very evil. This fic and the following ones have been transcribed with all grammar and paragraph breaks intact. Again, these are decade-old OMG Random stories from when I was first getting used to the concept of fanfiction and just wanted to write dumb things. If you enjoy cringy fics, welcome. If not, I'm sorry. Major character death warning for this one but like, in a funny way.

Ron Weasley was standing around in the Entrance Hall. Harry Potter came in, wet and bedraggled from his Quidditch practice.

He was also muddy, because it had been raining and he crashed a few times into the ground. And he had to act the part of coach and give George Weasley a lot of grief because he fell off of his broom and hit one of the goal posts.

"Hey, Harry?" Ron said.

"What?" Harry asked.

Ron glanced around quickly. The Hall was empty.

"SURPRISE!" he yelled.

He pulled out a Tommy gun and started shooting Harry with it.

When Harry was just a mass of guts and skin with thousands of bullet holes in it, Ron dropped the gun and started to walk away.

Snape ran out of the dungeons and stopped suddenly when he saw what was left of Harry.

"Who, who did this?" he asked. He didn't seem mad at all.

"Ummm, uh, hmm, I don't know," Ron said.

"Whoever did it will be given pretty butterflies, a large supply of root beer, and an A+ on all assignments no matter how badly they did. It lasts until the end of the year," Snape said.

Ron sputtered.

"It was me! I did it!" Ron yelled.

Snape gave Ron a friendly pat on the back and said, "You did the right thing."

Then Dumbledore showed up. He was naked.

"Ugh! My eyes! They're burning!" Ron screamed. He ran away.

"Dumbledore, stop with the Naked Time. It's creeping out the students," Snape said.

"You should try it. It feels nice to get a little wind around your..."

"I get the point!" Snape yelled, shielding his eyes.

Then Ron came back, keeping his eyes on Snape instead of Dumbledore.

"I want my root beer!" Ron yelled.

Snape threw a root beer bottle at Ron. Ron snagged it out of midair and yanked the cap off.

He started guzzling the root beer while walking away, back to the Grand Staircase so he could go to the common room.

_The End!_


	2. Spyro's Strange Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of my random fics involved Spyro and this is probably the longest one. It features classic Spyro and it's an epic tale of, uh. Well, it's an epic tale. Battles, car chases, bowling... what else could you want? Warnings for technically okay but stilted grammar, gratuitous references to Michael Jackson (who was still alive at the time of writing), hilariously gross descriptions, and also alcohol use. Forget Infinity War. This is the most ambitious crossover in history. Oh and I make fun of cops a lot.

Spyro was walking along with Sparx, dragging a dead horse he had found lying in the road. Bender came and took the horse.

"Hey, that's my roadkill!" Spyro yelled.

"Cram a chicken in it you ugly winged lizard!" Bender yelled.

"I may be a reptile, but I'm warm-blooded! I eat lizards!" Spyro retorted, charging Bender with his head down. He felt like ramming Bender's "Shiny, metal ass" that he seemed so proud of. His horns were rather sharp.

Bender opened his chest cabinet and took out Michael Jackson's head in a jar. He hurled it at Spyro. Spyro dodged it.

"Hey, I'd show you my Moonwalk, but as you can see, I have no legs," MJ called out to Spyro.

"Shut it you stupid weird man!" Spyro answered. The jar broke against a rock, and a Harpy eagle swooped down and grabbed the head. It flew away to rip the head apart to feed to its hungry eaglets.

Harry Potter dropped out of nowhere and cried, " _Avada Kedavra_!" pointing his wand at Bender. The Killing Curse hit him and bounced off.

"I'm not alive you idiot! I'm a robot!" Bender yelled. "You'd be better as a blonde!" he added.

Harry ran away crying.

Leela appeared and said, "Bender, that's the third dead horse this hour! What are you doing with them?!"

"Using their hooves to make glue. What else would I do with them? I could make a fortune with 'Bender's Horse Glue'," he answered.

Spyro jumped forward and rammed Bender's butt with his horns. Bender dropped the horse and Spyro grabbed it. He ripped the horse apart and then ate every last bit of it.

"Noooooooo! I'm ruined! I'm going to be desperately poor like Zoidberg!" Bender yelled. He disappeared along with Leela.

Spyro settled down to take a nap when Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ronald Weasley fell from the sky and landed on top of him.

"You idiots! I'm going to boil you in frog sauce, throw you off a cliff into some dead vultures, break your fingernails, eat your hair and then vomit it on you, throw balloons filled with ravioli at you, tie you to some cactuses, then tie the cactuses onto a railroad, superheat the train, let it burn your skin off when it runs over you, then sell your meat to Spongebob Squarepants so he can make Krabby Patties with it!" Spyro yelled.

"Yeah? Well, I'm going to cook you with horseradish and paper, sprinkle cat chunks all over you, pour duck juice on you, put your body on a platter, put parsley and vegetables around it, and serve you to Larry the Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy with a giant slice of cheddar cheese in your mouth!" Harry replied.

"Don't make me rip out your jugular and show it to you!" Spyro warned.

" _Silencio_!" Hermione yelled, flicking her wand sharply at them. Her spell forced everyone to stop talking.

Harry, Ron, and Spyro started a furious sign language conversation.

"Stop it! Spyro, we didn't know our spell would take us here. We didn't know we would appear up in the sky and drop down on you," Hermione apologized.

Spyro stood up and dumped a bucket of chicken blood, whiteout, dead rats, frog juice, snake tongues, vomit, beer, horse tail, goose feathers, ant livers, and cat teeth, all ground up into a mushy paste, on Ron, Harry, and Hermione. (In case you wanted to know, the paste was actually slightly off-white).

Spyro flew away while the three sat there making noises of disgust and cleaning themselves with magic.

A gargoyle flew by overhead, chased by an old man in a green spaceship. Spyro paid no mind.

He landed in front of his and Sparx's favorite restaurant. It was called, 'The Dragon's Buffet' and smaller lettering said, 'The first buffet ever to serve goose, cow, chicken, pig, horse, sheep, duck, meerkats, sloth, deer, lizards, shark, and crocodile, and every other meat in the world, all in the same restaurant.'

"I love this place!" Spyro said.

"Me too," Sparx buzzed.

Humans walking by stayed well away from the buffet, and any dragons heading into it. Dragons are often short-tempered (especially if they're drunk).

Spyro walked in with Sparx sitting on his shoulder. He paid $10 (Sparx was free) and sat down at a small table for one.

The waiter brought him his root beer and he sat there drinking it, then got up to get some sloth, meerkat, and chicken. Plus some cheese. He liked cheese.

"Oh, look! It's Ryujin! He's the dragon god of the sea! And Shen-Lung too!" Spyro said.

A bright blue Chinese dragon was sitting at a large table, since he is large himself. He was talking to his friend Shen-Lung, another Chinese dragon who controls rain, clouds, and wind. Shun-Lung is purple.

"Yeah, well I see Futs-Lung! There are lots of Chinese dragons here today," Sparx said. Futs-Lung is the reddish-orange color of fire.

Spyro nodded and sampled the meerkat.

"Hey, buddy," Spyro whistled at the dragon running the carving table and grill. "Can I get some rare meerkat and some medium-rare sloth?"

The dragon nodded and turned to the grill. Spyro snagged a chicken leg and put it on his plate.

A little green dragon inched toward him, with his friends following at a distance and sniggering. The green dragon said, "Can I have your autograph? I like the way you beat up Ripto."

"Uhh, sure, but I don't have a pen or paper," Spyro answered.

The kid held out a small piece of paper.

"Here Spyro," Sparx said, holding out a pen.

"I don't even want to know how you held that pen without me seeing it when it's bigger than you are," Spyro said.

"You really wouldn't want to know," Sparx said.

Spyro signed the paper. It was very neat.

_Spyro_

"Wow. Thanks! In your face, Jake! You owe me $10!" he yelled at a yellowish orange dragon behind him.

"Aw, man! Here," the dragon said, taking the money out of the money pouch that most dragons wear around their neck.

Spyro inched away while the little dragons were talking and got his meat. Then he flew toward his table with the claws on his front legs holding the food.

Others jumped out of the way, which was highly unnecessary because he has never once _accidentally_ run into someone. Keyword: Accidentally.

He has flown into people on purpose during fights.

The manager ran out as soon as Spyro reached his seat and sat down.

"What do you think you were doing?" the manager yelled.

"Flying. I am good at avoiding people, if they had the common sense to figure out I wouldn't be flying if I was clumsy at it," Spyro replied through a mouthful of meerkat.

"Well, you could get in serious trouble if you do that again."

"You can call my lawyer," Spyro said. "No one argues with him. Now if you don't mind, I have some meerkat to eat."

The manager stomped away. Spyro spit in his general direction.

He stopped and looked at Spyro, who was yanking a blood vessel out of the chicken leg. The manager looked away and went into his office.

"Spyro, you don't have a lawyer," Sparx said.

"He doesn't know that," Spyro replied.

Spyro finished his meat quickly and left, right after snagging a shark dorsal fin. He liked shark.

He ran straight into a white griffon with bright blue eyes.

"Hey, what is your prob... oh. Sorry, Skandranon," Spyro said, looking up at the large griffon.

"I was waiting for someone to come out. I was wondering if the food is good here," Skandranon said.

"Oh, it's wonderful. They have many types of great meat. Skan, you will love it. Dragons aren't the only ones who like it here. Word of advice: Ryujin, Shen-Lung, and Futs-Lung are in there. All very powerful Chinese dragons. Don't get on their bad side," Spyro advised.

"Okay, thanks little dragon," Skan said. He walked in.

Spyro watched him go in, then flapped up into the air.

"Hey there. How are those thermals?" he said to a peregrine falcon, which shrieked at him and dove down several hundred feet, going about 200 miles per hour. Hey, those are fast birds.

Spyro couldn't understand it, but guessed that the bird had cussed him out.

"Hey, don't make me boil you in taco sauce and make a birdie burrito out of you!" he called after it. He heard its answering call from half a mile down.

It seemed to be saying, "Hey, don't even try it. I'm much faster and more maneuverable than you." It's true. Almost all falcons are fast and agile, not just peregrines.

Spyro flew over Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who were beating each other up to get a piece of chicken that was hanging from a tree.

Spyro swooped down and grabbed the chicken, then flew away with it.

The three got mad and started shooting Stunning Spells at Spyro, who easily avoided the bright red beams.

One passed close to him and he said, "Wow, that almost could have hit me, if I were asleep! You shoot like some kind of elephant rampaging with a wand!"

He laughed, ate the chicken, and dove into a lake. Hermione shot a spell down there, but it missed.

Spyro kept on swimming, down to the bottom. He didn't need gills. Somehow, he can stay underwater as long as he likes. He found a rocky hole and dove into it. It was a tunnel.

He swam down, then leveled off, then rose up. He emerged into a cave, which had somehow trapped a large pocket of air inside. A basilisk hissed at him. It was the kind of basilisk that looks like a snake.

"What the...?! A basilisk?!" Spyro exclaimed.

"What does it look like to you, you arrogant dragon?" it said in a hissing voice.

"I'm not arrogant!" Spyro said, looking straight into its bright, yellow, lizard-like eyes. The gaze of the basilisk didn't kill him for some reason.

"By the way, I loved you in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets," Spyro said.

"Oh, you saw that? Yeah, the script called for me to eat Harry and then he cuts his way out of me with Gryffindor's sword, but me and Harry changed it secretly so it'd be more like the book. Hehe," the basilisk said.

Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, a chimaera appeared and said, "I am your master! Bow down to me or I will eat you all alive!"

It had a lion's body and lion head, but a goat head protruded out of its back, and its tail was a poisonous snake.

Spyro and the basilisk looked at it, then resumed talking. The chimaera attacked them.

Spyro jumped into the water hole and went back through the tunnel while the chimaera ripped the basilisk's head off and ate it with jalapéno honey butter.

Spyro shot into the air and flapped his wings. He got about 100 feet up when the still-hungry chimaera burst out of the water and snapped at him. It missed and fell back, since it had no wings.

Spyro spit some live chickens out of his mouth in fear and said, "Oh, man! I was saving those for later."

He chased down the panicked chickens and ate them again.

A bald eagle flew up next to him and said in a bird language Spyro understood, "Hey, was that a chimaera chasing you?"

"Yep. It ate the basilisk that was in an underwater cave. Too bad. I never got that guy's autograph. He was in a Harry Potter movie and I liked the way he almost killed Harry, who I sorta have a grudge against," Spyro said.

"Okay, just wondering. Good-bye loser. I have to go make a cockroach and mouse shish-kabob drenched in fish sauce." The bald eagle flew away to find the ingredients.

A winged octopus playing a violin flew past. A unicorn followed it, playing a tuba. Spyro chased down the octopus and stole its violin and the bow.

Spyro played Mary Had A Little Lamb with many sour notes. He threw the violin back at the octopus and flapped up higher so it couldn't reach him.

Suddenly, a lightning bolt struck him and he fell from the sky.

Zeus, who was looking down at him, said, "Oh, man. That had to hurt. I've got to learn to aim. I meant to hit the metal tuba. Oh well."

Spyro hit the ground hard and said, "...Ow."

Sparx flew up to him and said, "You got hurt so bad, I had to become a completely new color!" He was a dull red.

Spyro got up and said, "Well, now I'm awake. But I'm okay. Let's go get drunk on a mixture of monkey blood and beer!"

Sparx agreed.

So they went and got drunk.

"Hey Sparx, I have an idea. Let's go out for a joy ride," Spyro said when he was done with his third bottle. Sparx had finished one tenth of a cup.

He's small, so that's about filling him completely up.

They got into Spyro's Thunderbird and took off down the street, singing off-key and going all over the road.

They nearly hit some cops. One had red hair, and the other was a blonde. The red-head dropped his donut and said, "Whoa, did you see that guy?"

The blonde said, "Yeah, he had no real license plate! Let's book him!"

They both dropped their donuts and went after Spyro. His license plate actually said, "Seatbelts are for Sissies!"

Hearing the police sirens blaring, Spyro turned around and said stupidly, "Wow. Duh-huh, look at the pretty red and blue lights."

Sparx, who still had a bit of common sense, said, "Um, I think they're after us." He looked at the road, which they were swerving back and forth on, nearly giving the other drivers heart attacks.

"Dude, you're going all over the road! Stay on the right side you idiot!" he yelled.

Spyro went over to the left side instead and said, "Der, I don't like the right side."

Other drivers had to swerve to avoid them, crashing into trees and each other.

Sparx's system filtered out the alcohol better, so he said, "I shouldn't have let you drive until the alcohol was out of your system!"

"Driving while sober is for sissies," Spyro said. "I'm a real man."

Spyro hit a stop sign and ran a red light. The blonde cop said, "This guy needs to be put in a strait jacket and locked up in an insane asylum!"

"Wait a minute, that's not a human!" the red-head said when they got closer.

"It's a drunk dragon!" the blonde said. "See? Wings and horns! And a spike-tipped tail that's waving around crazily!"

"Let's listen to some tunes!" Spyro said, turning the radio on to baby music.

"Twinkle, twinkle little star!" he sang very off-key. "How I wonder what you are! Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky! Twinkle, twinkle little star! How I wonder what you are!"

The song ended and Spyro said, "Now to sing about the wheels on the bus!"

The music was cut off and Spyro said, "Hey! Where did my pretty music go?!"

The red-headed cop's voice came out of the radio. "Pull over or we will have to resort to violence and maybe have to call in a helicopter!"

"I want my pretty songs back!" Spyro yelled. A monkey jumped out of the police vehicle and landed in front of Spyro.

"Ah, look. It's Curious George. Yay, duh-huh, duh-huh-huh."

The monkey slapped him and knocked him out. His limp foot pressed down hard on the gas pedal. His car took off through traffic and managed to drift back to the right side.

Sparx grabbed the wheel and kept it straight. He stuck it in place with duct tape, let go of it, and flew down to Spyro's foot. He dragged it off of the pedal and put it on the brake.

The car slid to a stop as Sparx grabbed the wheel and maneuvered the car to the grass on the side of the road.

The police monkey jumped back into the police car and stood there watching.

The cops got out of the car while Sparx hid in Spyro's money pouch.

"See if you can find any alcohol. This guy must be drunk. It's a good thing our monkey knocked him out," the red-head cop said.

They searched the car but couldn't find the bottles, which had been left behind in the woods where Spyro lived.

"Nothing here. He must have left them at home," the blonde cop said.

They looked through Spyro's bag. Sparx carefully avoided their fingers.

"Nothing in here but money and expired coupons," the red-head cop said.

They zipped the bag and picked Spyro up. His head rolled over to one side and hung there.

Meanwhile, Spyro was having a weird dream.

He was walking around, sniffing at litter on the ground. He found a beer bottle that had a face. It opened its mouth and said, "You're knocked out right now. You got drunk and now the police have gotten you. You're in trouble."

"What? How do you know this?" Spyro asked.

"Because, your hearing is still functioning. You're unconsciously listening to everything. I'm really the hearing section of your brain telling you what you've been missing. You should wake up now. Come on, wake up. Sparx is probably worried about you."

The bottle jumped up and broke against Spyro's face. He let out a cry of pain that actually came out of his mouth. His own cry woke him up.

He noticed his face was wet. Then he saw three doctors looking at him with concern, and the two cops standing next to the doctors.

He was no longer drunk, that was for sure, but he knew he was in trouble.

Sparx was sitting next to him. It seemed that Sparx had been hitting his face to wake him up, then they must of splashed water on him.

"What happened? The last thing I remember was me sitting at home watching TV," Spyro lied. He really remembered every detail, and couldn't believe he had acted the way he did.

"Your alcohol level is much higher than it should have been," the red-headed cop said.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're suggesting that I got drunk and went rampaging through town or something?" Spyro asked.

"We're not suggesting. We know," one of the doctors said.

"We are going to take you to jail for ten months and let the other inmates straighten you out," the blonde cop said.

"Prisons can't hold me. I could kill both of you before you even got me into the police car," Spyro said.

"Also, you owe us $1000 for the medical attention."

"Nope, uh-uh, no way José, not going to happen. Come on Sparx. We're bailing," Spyro said. He let out a high-pitched war cry and busted the window, then jumped out.

"This guy is crazy! He's killing himself!" one of the doctors yelled.

Spyro's wings snapped open and he calmly flew away.

"Oh yeah, he's a dragon."

The red-headed cop slapped all of the doctors and left with the blonde one following him.

Spyro landed up in a tree and kicked a squirrel off the branch. It started chittering wildly at him in Squirrellese.

He scorched the squirrel and then ate it. It was good.

"Spyro, that war cry you did sounded like a turkey in a blender," Sparx said.

"I know, I've been working hard on it," Spyro said with a grin. His grin faltered. "Wait a minute, how do you know what a turkey in a blender sounds like?"

"I choose not to answer your question."

It took Spyro exactly two seconds.

"Uh, GUH-ROSS! You've got issues boy, mental issues! You need to go see a psychiatrist!"

"It was a science experiment I had to do in fourth grade. Put a living animal in a blender, grind it up, then examine its innards. Our teacher was messed up, man! Later on, they shipped him off to an insane asylum after he decided he wanted to throw live cows off of cliffs!"

Then, all of a sudden, Ripto appeared out of nowhere and hit Spyro with his scepter.

"Ow, what was that for?" Spyro asked.

"Yeah, do I need to beat the answer out of you or are you going to give it willingly? I'm a pure-blooded frankfurter filled with super hot flaming cheese. Duh-huh, der, der, der," Sparx said.

Ripto looked at him like he was crazy, which he obviously was. The alcohol must have been waiting for the right moment to start working.

"Spyro, I am here to steal all of your... uh, what's the word?" Ripto said, scratching his head.

"Money? Gems? Cash? Food? Uh, uh, squirrels?!" Spyro started guessing.

"No, that's not it."

"Cheese? Lollipops? Jalapéno honey butter?"

"No. No! NO!"

"PICKLES?!" Spyro yelled.

"Yes! That's it! Give me all your pickles!" Ripto said.

"I don't have any pickles. You will have to go steal some. I need to go see what will happen if I put an alligator in a microwave. Bye," Spyro said. He flew away.

Then Ripto decided he could use Spyro for target practice. He shot beams of ice cream and tomatoes at him.

"Spyro! Ripto is shooting at you! He's, he's..." Sparx's voice went flat. "He's shooting ice cream and tomatoes."

"Really? What kind of ice cream?" Spyro asked, then swooped down and grabbed a blob of it. It was green. Spyro guessed it was mint.

"It's pistachio," Sparx answered brightly.

Spyro's eyes widened and he started gagging. He spit it up all over Ripto and flew away while Ripto was shooting burritos out in a blind rage.

Spyro ate a burrito then flew straight up. He just kept flapping and flapping and flapping.

He soon realized it was hard to breathe. So he stopped. He didn't need oxygen.

Sparx, who couldn't breathe at all, gasped, "I'm going back down to wait for you by that liquor store."

Spyro nodded and Sparx left. He stopped moving his wings and dropped like a stone. A very small stone.

He fluttered his wings a bit to break his fall and landed with a dull thud on the ground in front of a liquor store. He robbed the liquor shop.

He sat there drinking some tequila, waiting for Spyro to get back down from space, which is where he was headed.

Spyro, who didn't really need to breathe, flapped through space, wondering how close he could get to the Sun without being incinerated.

He tried his experiment, then flew away with singed scales and wings. He kicked off from the Moon and flew toward Mars.

He landed on it right at its north ice cap. He melted the ice and drank it before it froze again, which was rather quick.

"I know! I'll go to Saturn and dance around on its rings! It will be fun," Spyro said to himself, but he couldn't hear himself. The sound was lost in the vacuum of space.

So he thought it to himself.

He landed on the rings of Saturn. At least, he tried to.

He fell right through.

"What the fuck? Oh, it's mainly colored ice chunks and tiny meteors trapped in orbit," Spyro said. "They're so pretty."

He landed carefully on a chunk of ice the size of a single wide bed that was rather cold on his feet. He stood on his hind legs and twirled around like an idiot.

He grabbed the ice in his hands and flew down to another chunk, this one a giant rock. It was about as big as an average bedroom.

He held up his ice chunk as if he were the strongest person ever.

Well, he wasn't. Stuff weighs virtually nothing in space.

He threw the ice toward the planet at an angle, which caused it to get caught in orbit again.

He jumped off of his little rock and floated there in space. He grabbed the bottom of the rock and pushed off, propelling himself down.

He fell for a long time, so he decided to take a nap.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT EARTH...

Sparx was waiting for Spyro. After the first five hours, Sparx left the liquor store he was in front of and went bowling. And got in an argument.

"What do you mean, no pets allowed?! I am not a pet! I am a dragonfly who is rather good at bowling, and you are going to let me in! Whatever happened to 'This is a free country'?!" Sparx yelled at some underpaid teenager who works at the bowling center who had refused to let Sparx in.

"Sir, no animals are allowed in," he replied.

"Humans _are_ animals you moron!" Sparx yelled.

"No, we aren't," the guy said.

"Yes, you are. An animal is any living thing that needs oxygen, food, water, and good shelter to survive. Humans need all those. If aliens were to come to Earth, they'd see humans as animals. We eat, we drink, we let out by-products, we do most of the things every other animal does. You stupid, stupid underpaid teenager," Sparx argued. He put up a good point.

"You can't bowl. You couldn't even pick up one of our six pound balls," the teenager said.

Sparx flew straight into the bowling center and grabbed a six pound ball. He stuck his hands in the two finger holes and flew toward an alley.

He stopped and hovered in midair before the line and threw the ball forward. It dropped off his hands and rolled toward the pins. He got a Strike.

While the teenager is apologizing to Sparx, let's go back to Spyro.

Spyro woke up to find that he was still falling down. He looked up and sat a yellowish brown dot the size of a ball-point pen tip way above him that had a very thin ring around it.

It was Saturn. He was way under it.

There was only space around him. A space cow floated past. A chicken followed it.

Spyro didn't pay attention.

He looked around and with his brilliant eyes he saw a tiny dull blue spot with even tinier dull green areas spread over it.

It was Earth, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very far away.

Spyro flapped toward it, bypassing a space alligator that snapped threateningly at him with its jaws.

It didn't take Spyro long to reach Earth, actually. Since there's no gravity in space, there wasn't a terrible burden of trying to lift off of the ground while fighting the gravity.

He could go fast, and all his wings did was keep him moving.

Once he was hovering above Earth, Spyro looked around for the U.S.A. He saw North America and dove toward the center, which, of course, is the U.S.

The atmosphere got hot around him as he dove through it.

Before he knew it, gravity was pulling him down faster. He hit the ground hard, in front of Sparx, who was outside drinking beer.

"Uh, who are you and why should I care?" Sparx asked Spyro, too drunk to realize that it was his friend lying dazed in front of him.

"You idiot. It's me, Spyro," Spyro answered. He slapped the beer bottle out of Sparx's hand, then, for good measure, slapped Sparx too.

Sparx snapped out of it.

"Okay, I feel better now," Sparx said.

They went to Hickory-Dickory-Dock next and played all day in the laser tag room.

Then they did bumper cars, with Spyro and Sparx crashing into the preppy girls who thought they were the best.

They left the girls yelling about how boys are dumb and girls should be the only ones who can win games.

Spyro had responded by throwing glass bottles at them and flying away while they were yelling something about lawyers and lawsuit.

Spyro and Sparx decided to take a trip to Australia and then live there. They killed and ate the kangaroos, got a pet dingo, and rode on surfboards at the beach all the time.

_ The End _

**_ Epilogue _ **

Spyro became the first dragon of his kind to break the sound barrier.

Sparx got the record for drinking the most alcohol relative to his size without passing out.

Bender became rich making glue out of toad mucus, horse hooves, and some kind of clam.

MJ's head got eaten by hungry baby eagles.

Leela got into a fight with giant ants and was not seen again for a long time.

Harry Potter started to make a profit with the pancake flavored lollipops he started selling.

Ron Weasley ran off into a forest, claiming he was looking for giant chickens to fight.

Hermione Granger won many awards, and got beat up once by Ripto.

Ryujin drowned a lot of people who got on his nerves, then acted like a storm did it.

Shen-Lung made it rain to help Ryujin, then went and gorged himself on cows.

Futs-Lung blew up Nevada with a bunch of volcanoes he made.

Skandranon went off and became a scientist.

The chimaera became a well-known serial killer after about a year.

The basilisk died from wounds the chimaera inflicted on it.

Ripto was sent yelling and screaming in a strait jacket to an insane asylum for serious cases.

The blonde cop got hit by a train when he was listening to rap while sitting on the tracks.

The red-headed cop got sick with a severe case of flu and slight amnesia.


	3. Pikachu's Doom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'all. I like Pikachu. I love Pokemon in general. But I wrote this because I wanted to write something stupid and edgy, which hey! Goes for practically everything in this compilation. So here's a short fic where Pikachu and Charizard fight. Warning for Pokemon literally fucking dying and suicide at the end.

Pikachu was jumping from branch to branch, following the monkey-like Pokémon called Aipom.

A Charizard burst through the branches and grabbed Pikachu. The Aipom didn't notice.

"Okay you little thunder animal, you need to answer my question and answer it correctly," Charizard said.

Pikachu's cheeks were sparking with electricity.

"What's the question?" Pikachu asked.

"Do... you... like... cheese?" the Charizard asked.

"What the fuck? Of course I like cheese!" Pikachu yelled.

"Hey! Don't cuss me out!" Charizard roared, enraged.

They started fighting.

Pikachu started the fight by zapping Charizard hard. Charizard's whole body glowed purple for some reason, not blue, white, or even yellow.

Charizard responded with his own move he's been working hard on. He called it Flame Tornado.

It was like a tornado, but made of super hot flames.

Pikachu was scorched. He responded with a simple, "Ouch."

Pikachu used his Thunder From Above move. He invented it himself.

The sky darkened as Pikachu gestured toward the sky. Clouds rolled in.

Charizard got nervous and started gnawing on a cinnamon, spider, and bacon fruitcake. He broke three teeth.

"Uck! I'm never buying food from scavengers again!" Charizard said.

Lightning flashed across the sky. Pikachu jerked his hands toward Charizard.

The lightning came down and zapped Charizard. He growled and shuddered. He lifted a hand toward the sky. The lightning left his body and flew back up.

Charizard then grabbed an icicle and plunged it straight into Pikachu's heart.

As Pikachu lay there dying, Charizard watched while sipping liquefied peanut butter mixed with beer.

Then Charizard got drunk and killed everybody but himself. He then committed suicide by drowning himself.

_ The End! _


	4. Bender's Greatest Act (At least in his own opinion)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bender is great! Oh, Bender is great! BENDER BENDER BENDER BENDER-

Bender was drinking beer and watching soap operas when he looked out the window and saw an incredibly rich person walking by.

"Great flaming cows!" Bender yelled. He busted the glass and jumped out of the window.

He landed on a giant lizard that hissed at him.

"Sorry Godzilla," Bender said. He got up and threw the lizard into the ocean.

Bender went up to the rich guy and said, "I'm mugging you, you rich guy. Give me all your money! And I mean _all_ of it!"

"I don't know what makes you think I'm rich," the guy said.

"It says so on your jacket, and there's wads of cash sticking out of every single pocket on you! There's also a long, diamond crystal decorating your hat! You've got some very serious green, and I want it all!" Bender yelled.

He punched the guy. Then he started kicking the guy while he was on the ground.

"Wait... stop...!" the guy yelled.

"Bite my shiny metal ass, bite my colossal metal ass, bite my glorious golden ass, bite my splintery wooden ass, bite my red-hot glowing ass, lick my frozen metal ass, and bite all the other versions of my ass ever made!" Bender said, stomping hard on the guy's chest.

"Stop! If you do, I will give you all of my money, beer, chicken necks, and burritos," the rich guy said. Bender's eyes flickered.

"Burritos? Beer?! MONEY?! Deal! I couldn't give a crap about the chicken necks Throw them into the sewer for the mutants. They like animal necks," Bender said.

"Especially anteater necks!" someone called out from the sewer.

The whole area was quiet for a couple seconds after that was said.

The rich guy took out bag after bag of money. He handed it all to Bender, who stuck it all into his chest cabinet.

A keg of beer came next, which Bender held under his arm.

Then a giant platter of beef, bean, and cheese burritos that were practically invisible under a mess of cheese came.

It was covered by a see-through lid, so Bender tucked it under his other arm.

The rich person took out a few bags of chicken necks and dropped them down into the sewer.

"Thanks!" someone called up.

Bender walked back to the apartment he shared with Fry whistling, "I've Been Working on the Railroad."

_ The End _


	5. The Demise of Spyro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Classic Spyro accidentally vores Sparx and dies. These two things are not directly related. Also Ripto has a lightsaber now.

Spyro was walking with Sparx. Ripto jumped out from behind a tree and threw a rock at Spyro.

THUNK

"SCORE!" Ripto yelled. The rock had hit home. Spyro's forehead.

"OWWWWWWWWWW!" Spyro yelled. "I'm going to kill you!"

Ripto threw rotten lemons at Spyro's eyes. They hit and burned.

"I can't see! I can't SEE!" Spyro yelled.

He stood still, his ears straining. His ears couldn't be seen, but they were still cocked toward where he last saw Ripto.

He heard Ripto breathing, then quiet footsteps.

Spyro jumped out of the way. Ripto leaped into the air and thudded down on the spot where Spyro was. It sounded like he had a giant rock in his hands.

Spyro's eyes started to clear up.

He saw Ripto running toward him with a fire hose.

Ripto pulled the lever. Water jetted out and hit Spyro in the face.

It knocked him back.

Spyro hit the ground hard. There was something small that smelled good in front of his face. It was buzzing slightly.

Spyro ate it. He heard a familiar buzzing voice in his mouth.

"Open your mouth you idiot! You are trying to eat me! I'm your pal, Sparx!"

Spyro tried to spit him up, but Sparx was just too good.

"Hang in there buddy. You'll come out eventually. Just sorta, hover, over my stomach acid," Spyro said.

He felt Sparx holding onto his vocal cords, trying to resist being pushed down to the stomach by peristalsis.

"Dude, I am not coming out through the 'scenic' route. I'm going to wait until you're asleep, then fly out of your mouth!" Sparx yelled.

Out of the corner of his eye, Spyro saw Ripto advancing with a red light saber.

"Spyro Skywalker, I am your assassin," Ripto said. He slashed at Spyro.

Spyro didn't feel any different. "I think you miss..." he started to say, but his head suddenly fell off of his neck.

Spyro's head looked up at his own body.

"Well, that was a very clean cut," Spyro said.

He saw Sparx buzz out of his neck.

"What's going on here...?" Sparx noticed Spyro's head. And Ripto's light saber.

"You damned motherfucker! I'll kill you!" Sparx screamed. He lunged at Ripto.

_The End! (ooh, cliffhanger!)_


	6. The Jack Russell Terrier of Terror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My family had a Jack Russell terrier named Jack for many years. From December 2002 to June of 2016. He was an adult dog when we took him in which meant he lived to be probably around 15 or 16 years old. He was very dear to me and whenever I wrote a fic with a dog in it, odds are I'd use the same breed as him. So even though this was written long before his death, I'd like to think of it a little as a tribute to him. You were a good boy, Jack <3
> 
> The terrier in this fic, however, is very much NOT a good boy. And you will soon find out why.

There was an evil Jack Russell Terrier walking around, marking his territory and scaring children.

A pit bull saw the Jack Russell and marked it as an easy victim. The pit bull was never more wrong.

The pit bull attacked the Jack Russell.

In a flash, the little dog had pinned down the pit bull with its jaws firmly clamped around the pit bull's neck.

People watching had no clue how the little dog had pinned the pit bull. Although Jack Russells are muscular, they are still small.

The "Jack" growled at the pit bull and gave it a warning. "Don't _ever_ try to attack me again. I may be small, but I'm strong."

The Jack Russell (let's just call him Jack) jumped off of the pit bull.

The pit bull slunk away in the submissive posture.

Jack watched him go, then went to terrorize some prissy girly girls.

In about two minutes, Jack had backed the screaming girls into a dead-end alley.

The girls were spraying him with smelly perfume, but Jack ignored it. It's perfume. A dog does not care one bit about perfume if it's having fun doing something.

The girls screamed even louder, and one kicked Jack. He snapped at her. She pulled back and yelled, "He bit me!"

"Actually, I didn't bite you. I snapped at you about an inch away. You girls _are_ really as stupid as you sound. Oh, yeah. You're blondes," Jack said. In English.

"RUN AWAY! IT'S A FREAK!" one of the girls yelled.

"Hey! Dogs are smart animals, and I was not content with barking at people. They never get it. If I speak English, they'll understand. If I say 'Back off!' in dog language, they'll just say something like, 'Aww, he's a little excited.' Then they get mad at me when I bite someone. I warned them, but they didn't listen!" Jack said.

The girls started calling for the police. Jack decided to walk away. He gnawed painlessly on someone's arm, then left.

It didn't hurt one bit, of course, but preppy girly girls make big deals over everything.

Far away, an evil mastermind was watching the world through Jack's eyes, giving Jack super intelligence in return for carrying out the mastermind's evil deeds.

"Hah! Now I have revenge on the girls that picked on me!" the mastermind laughed. Alas, he was a nerdy high-school teenager.

_The End_


	7. Spyro Prank Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This and the next two chapters will be focused on Legend of Spyro versions of the characters (except for Ripto who's just. here) and will somewhat go in chronological order. I guess. Also I think the writing has slightly improved by this point, I was 13, but it's still not great. I mean there's yo momma jokes in this and everything.

Spyro, who has the voice of Elijah Wood, was walking with Sparx, who has the voice of David Spade.

"Hey Sparx, let's make a prank call!" Spyro said.

"Yeah, let's call Ripto so he can come and beat your ass. You're brilliant. Or Nasty Gnorc, or here's an idea. Let's prank call the Dark Master. I'm sure he'll be pleased," Sparx replied.

"I choose Ripto," Spyro said after some thought.

He held up a cell phone. Sparx put his head close to the phone to hear.

"Hello, Ripto's residence," Ripto said after answering.

"Your mama is so fat, when she walked in front of the TV you missed three whole episodes! Also, _you're_ so ugly that when you were born, the doctor slapped your mama!" Spyro yelled while Sparx roared with laughter.

"What?! You kids! When I found out who's calling me I swear I will kill you!" they heard Ripto reply.

Spyro and Sparx kept laughing. There was a pause on the other end.

"I mean it, I will kill you!" Ripto yelled.

"Yeah right. I've beaten your ass before. I can do it again. I know earth, fire, electricity, and ice powers, and they're so much more powerful than that baby stuff I've beaten you with before," Spyro said.

"Wait a minute, Spyro?! The purple dragon?! I hate dragons!" Ripto yelled.

Then, suddenly, Ripto appeared in front of them.

Spyro dropped the phone and tried to look innocent. It didn't work.

Ripto smacked Spyro.

Then, Spyro rose into the air with electricity crackling around him. Electricity as strong as lightning came down, striking Ripto.

"Oh, now you've gone and done it, look, you made him unleash his Electric Fury on you. You're dead, like a cow struck by lightning," Sparx said.

Spyro's eyes were glowing with some mysterious (yet kinda creepy) power. But he still said, "Sparx, you've actually seen and heard a cow get struck by lightning?"

"Yes. It wasn't a pretty sight. I still have nightmares. Only, sometimes it's your fat, purple, ugly self getting zapped," Sparx answered, laughing.

For no reason, other than the fact that Sparx had insulted him, Spyro zapped Sparx with one tiny jolt of harmless, yet kinda painful, lightning.

Ripto ran away crying like a baby.

Sparx was lying half unconscious on his stomach on the ground, wings fluttering.

Spyro landed and flipped Sparx over onto his back.

"You're fine, get up," Spyro said.

"Mommy, why are the kitties drowning? They're ugly, but why are they drowning? OMG. Wow," Sparx muttered.

Spyro built up a little electricity, and leaned toward Sparx.

He stood on his hind legs, rubbed his front paws together, and snorted the electricity on to them.

"CLEAR!" Spyro yelled. He pushed his electrified paws down on Sparx's chest.

"MOMMY!!" Sparx yelled, jumping up. Then he screamed for no apparent reason.

"What's your problem?" Spyro asked.

"I had an awful nightmare. You were in it. A giant lizard kicked you where boys don't want to be kicked, then you unleashed your Ice Fury and scared the crap out of the lizard, which ran away crying like a baby." Sparx considered what he was going to say next, and decided to take the risk. "'Waah Waah! I want my Mommy!' is what the lizard yelled. So, it went back to its mom, who kicked it, and it ran away crying again. Meanwhile, I was laughing at you."

Spyro bitch-slapped Sparx and stomped off.

Sparx fluttered after him.

"Hey, you purple guy with some weight issues, I can't control what I dream about!" Sparx yelled.

"Maybe not, but you should be able to control what you say," Spyro said, and kept walking.

Sparx buzzed closer, but Spyro's swinging tail knocked him away, although whether it was accidental or deliberate, Sparx didn't know.

(Suddenly Sparx looks out from the screen of my computer, looks right at me and says: "Hey, what kind of a stupid story is this?! Making me get hurt all the time!" I give him the finger, he backs off, then rejoins the story without another complaint except for some moody skulking.)

Spyro noticed Sparx's mood and said, "What's your problem?"

"Well, let me think. We're part of a story written by a psychotic 13 year old girl, you're constantly 'accidentally' hitting me, I once got beat in arm wrestling by a fly, and I'm surrounded by effing dragons and crap all the time. I mean, what the eff?" Sparx snapped.

(Sparx glares angrily at me from the inside of the screen because of what I'm making him say. I glare back and he looks away.)

Spyro lowered his head down. "I didn't know you felt that way about dragons," he said quietly.

Just then, Ripto ran back, kicked Spyro hard between the hind legs, and hit Sparx with a flyswatter. Luckily the flyswatter was too small.

Both Spyro and Sparx were fine.

_The End_


	8. Spyro's Trip to Australia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I knew hardly anything about Australia when I wrote this except what could be gleaned from watching Finding Nemo. So if you see something about Australia and you're like "well that's not how that is :/" keep in mind I was a dumb 13-year-old with too much free time on her hands so she wrote dumb stuff. Plus I'm more concerned about Spyro's multiple felonies

Spyro was scanning through his mail for anything good, when he saw that he had won a free yacht trip to Australia and back.

"Cool!" he said. "Hey Sparx, we won a free yacht trip!"

"Read further. In fine print, it probably says something like 'Only available if you buy Allstate car insurance' or how about 'Not valid for residents of Florida'?" Sparx replied over the sound of the shower running in his bathroom.

Spyro and Sparx live in Florida.

"No, they're actually serious. There's no catch about it," Spyro said after reading farther.

Sparx burst out of the bathroom dripping water all over the nice furniture.

"When do we need to get there?" Sparx asked, shaking like a dog to get the water off of him.

"By noon tomorrow. Daytona beach, actually," Spyro said. "The trip will be like a month long, with us spending a while at Sydney, Australia."

They spent the day packing. They didn't wear clothes, but they still needed to pack toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, shades, sun visors, and especially a surfboard.

Sparx put a Playstation 2 in there along with a few of their Spyro games. The real-life Spyro got really amused playing them.

Especially since David Spade did the voice of Sparx in The Legend of Spyro: A New Beginning.

Then they were set. Spyro tightly tied the suitcase onto his stomach and held it in place with his arms.

Spyro jumped off of the high point they had built on top of their house and flapped toward the beach.

A few birds attempted to dive-bomb Spyro, but they ended up as a little more than dead chickens lying in the road with girly girls screaming and running from them, and boys and tomboys poked the birds with sticks.

Spyro landed about ten minutes later on the beach, staggering under the weight of the suitcase. The suitcase alone weighed about twenty pounds. Everything else made it about twenty-five pounds.

The tough-looking guy sanding in front of the walkway up to the yacht admitted Spyro when Spyro showed him the letter/pass.

They had first class seating. Spyro threw his stuff inside, locked the suite, and went to one of the restaurants.

_El Soylente Restaurante_

was what the sign above the restaurant door said.

"What is this place, French?" Spyro asked. He went in. The place smelled weird, but most of the people in it were human, so that was probably it.

A sphinx greeted Spyro, saying, "You'll like this place. It satisfies my appetite, and I'm picky," and left with a wink.

"Wait a minute," Sparx said slowly. "Sphinxes only eat humans."

"So," Spyro said.

"If this place satisfies her appetite, that means they sell humans as meat here!" Sparx yelled.

"Wait a minute! These humans are eating human meat?! EEEWWWWWW!!!!!! CANNIBALS!!!!!!" Spyro yelled.

All the humans looked up, then sniffed at their food. Then they ran off screaming.

All the nonhuman creatures shrugged and kept eating.

(Sparx looks out of the screen again and glares at me and I say, "We've already been through this in Spyro Prank Calls so leave me alone before I put the whooping on you." Sparx gives me the finger, blows a raspberry at me, and goes back to the story.)

Spyro ran screaming to the deck of the cruise boat and jumped onto the railing. People rushed toward him, pleading and saying that committing suicide was not going to solve his problems.

"I don't have problems!" Spyro yelled, and swan-dived off the edge.

While everyone was shouting and rushing for life preservers, Spyro calmly snapped his wings open and flew around to the window of his suite. He pushed it open and glided in, with Sparx right behind him.

"That was wicked, man," Sparx said.

"I know," Spyro replied, laughing.

After a few minutes, a solemn looking guy opened the door to Spyro's suite and picked up Spyro's luggage.

"Excuse me? Just what do you think you're doing?" Spyro said, making the guy jump.

"Yeah, like, totally, what do you think you're doing?" Sparx said with a pretty decent prep accent.

"We thought you were dead. You jumped over the edge. I was going to donate your stuff to the needy," the guy answered.

"Hey, idiot, I'm a dragon. Look, wings. See them? They let me fly. Comprendé?" Spyro said, shaking his wings and nearly slapping the guy. "So I'll just take my stuff back now."

The guy dropped the bags and ran off.

Spyro stretched and said, "I got an idea. The people think I drowned. So, I'll dive into the water, then fly up and land on the deck."

"Good idea," Sparx replied.

Spyro put on some goggles, then jumped out of his window. He didn't bother to open his wings.

PUH-LOOSH!

Water sprayed everywhere as Spyro hit, not exactly gracefully.

("Oh now we're using onomatopoeia? Great," Sparx says to me, and goes back to watching Spyro before my last nerve blows.)

Spyro swam down and looked for the front of the ship. He powered his wings and 'flew' through the water.

He went in front, and looked up. He could see the sun, and silhouetted against it were the forms of people leaning over the rail, still looking for him.

Spyro went straight up, but right before he got to the barrier between sky and sea, a dolphin playfully smacked him with its tail.

Spyro pushed it away and gurgled out, "I don't want to play."

The dolphin shook its head, chattering away, and left.

Spyro swamp up again, and broke the surface. He opened his wings and flapped them. Up, up, up. Until he was hovering in front of the humans still standing there. The other creatures like pixies or whatever knew Spyro could survive.

"I'm a dragon that can fly and swim. You stupid, stupid humans," Spyro insulted.

The humans wondered off.

"Humans are so dumb,

It's a wonder they're the best,

A wonder indeed,"

Spyro chanted loudly in Haiku, earning himself some startled and angry looks.

Spyro stuck his tongue out at the angry humans, also revealing his sharp, fang-like teeth.

"And that, boys, girls, and anything in between, was Spyro's daily Haiku. Isn't he a poetry genius?" Sparx declared.

Spyro whacked Sparx with his tail, sending him flying and landing on the back of a griffon. The griffon turned its head to see what landed on it, then went back to dismantling a steak.

The thing about griffons is, they can be fierce, but you have to provoke them first. They don't care if some bug lands on them.

The rest of the trip to Australia passed without anything happening that is interesting enough to write about, except for when Spyro threw a basilisk over the edge to save everyone.

When they docked in Australia, the humans and non-flying creatures pushed to get down the ramp, while Spyro, Sparx, the griffon, the sphinx, and all the pixies and fairies simply flew down.

They went to the Sydney Opera House, and Sparx actually flew screaming out of it after ten minutes of singing high-pitched enough to break glass and snobby semi-rich people sneering at them for not wearing nice clothes or at least jewelry.

Spyro ran out after Sparx and said "Let's just go surfing."

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! The high-pitched horror! AHHH!!! Okay. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! That was awful! I hate operas!" Sparx answered.

After Sparx had calmed down, Spyro went back onboard the ship, where there were still people just laying around and sunbathing.

Spyro got his surfboard and flew over to a beach.

He flew far out, positioned the surfboard under himself in midair, and dropped.

He landed on a huge wave that lifted him way up.

People on the beach started nudging each other and pointed at Spyro.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you it's rude to point?!" Spyro scolded as he neared the beach.

Sparx snuck beneath Spyro's board and motioned at a shark. It turned and came at the board, mouth wide open.

It was a Great White shark.

Sparx got out of the way just as the shark hit the board and totally shattered it. Spyro went flying. Literally. He simply flapped away.

However, the shark wasn't finished with Spyro.

It leaped clear out of the water and snagged Spyro. Sparx roared with laughter as Spyro wrestled with the shark.

The lifeguards noticed what was going on and rushed out.

That's exactly when Spyro switched his breath ability over to Electricity.

ZZZ-ZZZ-ZZZ-ZZZZZZZ!

Electricity exploded out of Spyro's mouth and hit the shark.

The shark let go and wondered away, dazed. He'd never been beaten by such a small creature, and he didn't know what to make of it. So, he went to bully some shrimp.

Once Sparx got over the hilarity of it (at least, it was funny to him), Spyro snagged Sparx out of midair and throttled him, Homer Simpson style.

"That wasn't funny!" Spyro yelled.

After a brief skirmish with the lifeguards and police, on account that he had nearly choked Sparx to death, he had to go to jail.

He had three months to serve. They fingerprinted him (he later destroyed that and his file), and put him in a cell with a guy who had actually murdered someone, rather brutally in fact, and would be getting the electric chair.

After the cellmate got done talking in great detail about the murder that he never bothered to deny the fact of, Spyro said, "That's it, I'm not staying here! I'm breaking out."

"How ya going to do that?" the cellmate asked with an Australian accent. They were in Australia, after all.

"Well, you're getting the chair anyway, so I guess I could show you," Spyro said.

He waited until a guard was in view. "GUARD!" he yelled.

The guard rushed over.

Spyro froze the guy with ice power.

"Cool," the cellmate said.

Spyro reached out and fished around in the guard's pocket until he found the keys to the cell.

Spyro unlocked the cell, stepped out, and relocked it.

Surprisingly, the cellmate didn't object. He just stared blankly.

Spyro thawed the guard and ran before he could revive.

Spyro snuck into the filing room and found his file. He carefully torched it and threw the remains out the window.

He broke the wall down with his Earth Blast and ran out, then unfolded his wings and ascended, heading toward the yacht.

Sparx was inside their suite playing The Legend of Spyro: The Eternal Night, when Spyro burst laughing through the door.

"Well, someone's been slapped by the laughter fairy," Sparx said while he used the virtual game Spyro to beat up Gaul, an incredibly hard enemy who is three times as tall as Spyro, who I nearly beat but I had to get off the game and then I lost the game memory somehow. :(

Spyro stopped laughing. "And someone else has been kicked full in the face by the ugly fairy," he retorted.

Just then, on the game, Gaul leapt forward and planted both of his swords into the game Spyro, killing him.

"Oh, look! Now you've made me lose!" Sparx yelled.

"You'll get over it," Spyro said.

"No, I don't think I will," Sparx said.

(This is funny dialogue from a web-site called JoeCartoon in case you wanted to know. I couldn't come up with something like that myself.)

A few boring days later, the ship pulled out of Australia and headed back to Florida.

Nothing happened on the trip except for Spyro punching the captain and throwing him overboard. The captain ended up in India.

Spyro steered the ship back himself.

Once they docked at Florida rather shakily, Spyro packed up his stuff and went home with Sparx.

_The End_


	9. Spyro Robs Wal-Mart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exactly as it says on the tin. This ends the lil trilogy of chapters 7-9 but I'm sure there will be much more Spyro content coming in this compilation. We'll see. If you've stuck with things this long... thank you. Have y'all realized why my eternal username is SpyroForLife now? I was OBSESSED with that dude :')

Spyro was walking around, very bored. Spyro was so bored, it was amazing. Did I mention he was bored? Yes, he was.

Then Spyro said, "I know! I'll go to Wal-Mart and steal something! Oh, it'll be ever so much fun!"

Spyro flew to a Wal-Mart and went inside. The people who lived nearby were so used to seeing a dragon that they barely glanced at him.

However, people from different areas stared.

A girl with a disposable camera ran up to him and said, "Hey, can I get your picture?"

Spyro replied, "Gee, what do you think the odds are? Good, slim, none, or I'll-break-your-legs?"

"Why you little..."

"AAHHHHH!" Spyro screamed.

Spyro ran into the boy's bathroom and hid. The girl couldn't follow. Or so he thought.

"I know you're in here, and I'm not such a wuss that I can't go into a boy's bathroom. It's no different than a girl's bathroom," Spyro heard her say from very close.

There was a momentary silence, then, "Oh, _that's_ what's different."

There was more silence.

Spyro opened his wings and quietly flapped up. He stuck to the roof and slipped out of the bathroom unseen.

Spyro landed and ran toward the electronics section. He slid to a stop in front of the DVDs.

Spyro opened the pouch that was slung around his neck and took out a little disc holder, you know, the ones that have a clear circle in the middle so you can see what DVD or CD it is?

That's what Spyro had.

Spyro looked for a surveillance camera and saw a black dome thing nearby. Spyro was able to see through it and saw that the camera was not facing him.

However, it was slowly swiveling in his direction.

Quickly, Spyro grabbed a DVD of The Lion King, opened it, took out the disc, slipped it into the disc holder, and put the case back.

Spyro put the holder back into his pouch just as the camera pointed at him.

Just then, a four foot tall emperor penguin ran in, slapped Spyro for no apparent reason and ran off again.

Spyro stood there, stunned, then shook his head.

He went to the grocery section and stuffed a six pack of root beer into his bag, then put a huge bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos into his bag.

He walked back to the exit and flew away with his movie and snacks.

He landed on his house's little tower and went downstairs, locking the access door behind him.

Sparx was watching TV and drinking beer when Spyro arrived in the living room.

"Hey rube, did you bring me a present?" Sparx asked a little drunkenly.

"Yeah," Spyro replied, and shot Sparx with a weak paintball gun.

"Saw it coming," Sparx said, wiping the black paint off of his chest.

"Actually, I stole us a movie," Spyro said, showing Sparx The Lion King.

Sparx leaped out of his chair. "Ooh, a movie about giant tan cats with lots of brown fur on their necks."

"They're lions you idiot," Spyro said, slapping Sparx and knocking him out of his drunkenness.

"Right. Start the movie!" Sparx yelled, throwing the half full beer can over his shoulder. Luckily it landed in the garbage.

"I also brought Doritos and root beer," Spyro said.

Sparx took the root beer he was offered and got a fistful of chips, then crammed them all into his mouth.

Once they got past the crummy advertisements, Spyro chose PLAY.

The Circle of Life song started up, and there were giraffes, zebras, antelopes, and even okapis.

In case you didn't know what okapis are, they are animals with the legs of a zebra, the body of an antelope, and the head of a giraffe, complete with giraffe horns.

Once it got to the part with baby Simba, Sparx said, "Ahh look at the cute little kitty-cat."

"That's a lion cub you idiot. See? His parents are lions, so he's a lion!" Spyro said.

They cried when Mufasa was killed by the wildebeests.

Sparx sang through every song in the movie, severely annoying Spyro.

When it got to Hakuna Matata and Sparx was singing off-key, Spyro clenched his claws into fists and punched Sparx in the mouth.

"You know, you're not nice," Sparx said.

"Tell me something I don't know," Spyro replied.

Sparx didn't sing anymore after that, though he wanted to during the Can You Feel the Love Tonight? song.

Sparx and Spyro cried when Scar was killed too.

"He was too young to die!" Sparx sobbed.

"Yeah, so young and handsome," Spyro sniffed.

Sparx stared at him.

"Just joking," Spyro said.

When the lions started roaring to celebrate Simba becoming king, Sparx fell out of his chair.

"Holy violins and a meatball! They're scary!" Sparx yelled.

"You're a real idiot Sparx," Spyro said, getting up and ejecting the movie.

Spyro put the movie into its holder and slipped it in place next to all the other stolen movies in holders. Yes, Spyro has stolen stuff before.

Sparx shook his head and went into the bathroom.

Spyro waited, used to Sparx's routine bathroom trips to wet his face to snap out of the drunkenness.

He heard the faucet running, then Sparx came back out with his whole body drenched instead of just his face.

"You okay?" Spyro asked.

"I'm fine. I was thirsty and fell into the toilet while getting a drink from it," Sparx answered.

Spyro didn't answer. He got up and walked out of the house.

He opened his wings and flew toward a run-down "Hood" filled with gangsters in the middle of nowhere.

Spyro landed in front of one of the gangsters and said, "Yo, homie, I need one of them things you slap each other with."

The gangster stared, then reached into his pocket and took out one of those beaver tail-looking things.

"How long you need it?" the guy asked.

"Only for 'bout two minutes," Spyro said, taking it.

He flew back home, then slapped Sparx with it.

"Bad dragonfly. You don't drink out of toilets. Bad Sparx. Bad, bad, bad!" Spyro slapped Sparx again.

"What's your problem?!" Sparx yelled.

"I just said!" Spyro replied.

While Sparx was crying and rubbing his face, Spyro flew the slapping-thing back to the gangster.

By the time Spyro returned home, Sparx was sitting on the couch watching Family Guy while drinking root beer instead of regular beer, and he had his whole arm buried in the Dorito bag.

Then, Sparx noticed Spyro.

"You idiot! Why'd you slap me?!" Sparx yelled, attacking Spyro without waiting for an answer.

_The End_


	10. Just a Typical Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Legend of Spyro random fic from a little later on compared to the fics so far. This was posted in 2010 meaning I would have been 15. This still goes off the walls but at least it's an easier read. Spyro and friends get drafted and there's a lot of severely outdated political crap to behold. I poke fun at a lot of Real Dictators. There's toilet humor. And we have a special guest appearance by Obama. Enjoy

It was a typical day in the Dragon Temple.

Ignitus and Cyril were playing Mortal Kombat. Ignitus was Blaze and Cyril was Sub-Zero. Cyril was winning.

Volteer was examining something under his microscope. "What a fascinating microorganism," he muttered to himself.

"I'll show you microorganism!" Ripto shouted.

Terrador was watching Family Guy and singing about how the bird is the word.

Cynder was reading Cyril's diary out loud while Sparx sat next to her and listened.

"'And today, I saw that pretty dragoness next door cleaning her inground swimming pool. Man, what a view I had from the window with my binoculars,'" Cynder read. Sparx burst out laughing.

Cyril paused the game (much to Ignitus's annoyance) and said, "Is that my diary? Oh my God! I HATE YOU!" He ran crying into his room and slammed the door.

After a second, Sparx smiled and said, "Keep reading."

Cynder flipped to the next entry.

Spyro was working on his nuclear bomb. "You're going to get what's coming to you, Canada... with your Canadian bacon that's really ham... I wasted ten bucks on that crap!"

Ignitus grabbed Cyril's controller and unpaused the game, and had much fun whaling on the now-helpless Sub-Zero.

Suddenly, Sub-Zero grabbed his neck and cracked it, falling to the ground.

"Hara-Kiri!" the game announced triumphantly.

Ignitus stared dumbfoundedly at the screen. "But... video game characters can't just do stuff on their own! They need a player!"

Blaze looked at him from inside the TV. "Actually, we can. But don't tell anyone or I'll blow your *bleep*ing head off, got it?!"

Ignitus screamed, unplugged the TV, controller, and Playstation, then huddled in the corner in a fetal position.

Volteer sighed and lowered his clipboard. "This organism is absolutely useless to all scientific fields. Physics, medicine, weapons... Oh well. Better dispose of it in the incinerator."

Ripto gasped. "Wait, what?!"

"I'm done!" Spyro shouted. He launched the bomb, completely destroying Canada. The only survivors were Terrance, Philip, and of course, Saddam Hussein.

Ripto managed to escape in the chaos.

There was a knock on the door.

Volteer opened it. "Oh, hi Red!"

"REDDY!" Ignitus ran and jumped into Red's arms.

"AH! Get off of me, you fat red idiot!" Red threw him against a wall.

"He loves me!" Ignitus said happily.

Red crossed his arms. "Would someone mind explaining to me why Canada was suddenly destroyed in a nuclear explosion and the only evidence is a fragment of nuke that says, 'If found, please return to Spyro the purple dragon, Dragon Temple, Manhattan'?"

Spyro laughed nervously. "Oh, that must be my evil twin up to no good again. Eh-heh. YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING!!" He locked himself in his nuclear bunker, with combination locks, number locks, and chains. Then he hung a pine-shaped air freshener on the handle. "Ah, air fresheners make everything so much better."

They looked outside and saw a black limousine pull up. Someone they couldn't see announced, "And now arriving... the president of the United States." There was clapping and a bunch of Secret Service guys jumped out.

Then the man himself, Obama, stepped out of the car.

"OMG, OBAMA!" Ignitus shouted, waving his arms around. "I voted for you! I VOTED FOR YOU!"

"I voted for McCain..." Terrador muttered.

Cyril ran out of his room, still holding the Barbie and Ken dolls he was playing with. "It's the president, yay!"

Obama bowed and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, Canada is completely destroyed." Everyone cheered. "The bad news is: Saddam Hussein escaped and is now declaring World War V. It's so big it skips III and IV."

"So what does this have to do with us, Mr. Fancy Tighty-Whities?" Cyril asked.

"I understand your little friend Spyro has a large collection of weapons," Obama said.

Everyone looked at each other.

"I've never seen weapons..." Ignitus muttered.

"I have!" Cynder shouted. "He was working on a nuke this morning, remember? And he has an AK-47 under his bed in case of a rainy day! And he carries grenades in his cheeks!"

"Exactly," Obama said. "So where is he?"

"He's in the nuclear bunker," Terrador said. "Do you want me to...?"

"No, there are people to do these things for us. GET HIM, BOYS!"

A bunch of army guys ran out of nowhere and ripped the bunker open, ordering Spyro out at gunpoint. "GET OUT OF THE BUNKER! OUT! GET OUT OF THE *bleep*ING BUNKER RIGHT NOW!"

Spyro ran out. "Geeze, it's called knocking!"

"Spyro, we need your help to defeat Saddam," Obama said.

"Forget it, you filthy Democrat. I have the freedom of speech, and I'm using it to say that I refuse to help you. YOU CAN PROMISE ME ANYTHING, BUT I WON'T HELP!"

Five minutes later...

"HOW DID HE TALK US INTO THIS?!" Spyro demanded, flying a fighter jet and shooting down a bunch of tanks.

"He used the power of Twinkies!" Cynder replied, shoving a Twinkie in her mouth as she popped the pin off of a grenade and threw it toward Saddam's ground troops. "THE POWER OF TWINKIES!"

"Team Twinkie, yay!" Sparx cheered as he swiveled the turret gun on top of the jet and took out some enemy jets.

"The Americans shall perish!" Saddam was yelling. The grenade hit him in the head and he picked it up. "Heh, look at the cute little silver pineapple. Look general, it's ticking!"

"That's a grenade, you idiot!" Malefor yelled. "Throw it back! THROW IT BACK!!"

Saddam threw it as hard as he could.

In some mountains somewhere:

"Finally, my mountain cabin is complete. I can get away from those idiots at the temple and all their shenanigans," Red said, looking at his log cabin. The grenade fell into his paws. "Hey, look, a silver pineapple. It's ticking! I'm going to name it Silvery Tick-Apple."

BOOM!

Red dropped the remains of Silvery Tick-Apple and sighed at the sight of his cabin lying in ruins. "Well, I guess I got to move back in next to the fat red idiot..."

Back at the battlegrounds, the remaining survivors faced off.

On one side, the side of evil, Saddam, Malefor, Hitler, and Jay Leno.

On the side of good, standing in front of their wrecked jet, was Spyro, Cynder, Sparx, and also Terrador, since we all know Terrador's the only guardian that isn't a complete coward.

"What cool effects!" Cyril exclaimed, who was watching the fight on TV about a hundred miles away with the other guardians.

The jet exploded. For some reason thunder boomed.

"There can only be one great nation," Saddam said.

"Yeah. And it'll be America," Spyro growled. "Everyone, get behind me!"

Cynder, Sparx, and Terrador flung themselves onto the ground.

Spyro pulled a minigun out of nowhere.

"Where did that come from?" Sparx whispered.

"I don't think you want to know," Cynder whispered back.

"EAT LEAD!" Spyro screamed, shooting the gun for a straight minute. Then he frowned and lowered it. "Huh, apparently Malefor can eat lead. Well guys, we're screwed."

"We're not screwed yet!" Sparx suddenly shouted. "I ate beans this morning!"

"HOLY CRAP! NOT BEANS!" Jay Leno dialed up an Italian guy in a souped up taxi. "Get me out of here!" He jumped in the car and it tore away with nitrous blasting.

"I'm so out of here!" Hitler took out his cell phone. "Eva, come and get me!"

His wife flew over in a blimp. "GET IN THE BLIMP!" she shouted. Hitler jumped up into the cab and the blimp flew back toward Germany as fast as it could.

Malefor calmly turned to Saddam and said, "Well, my shift's over. I'll see you in hell one day." He shook Saddam's hand and flew in the opposite direction.

Which left Saddam alone against Sparx's mighty gas. He was blown far over the horizon by the beany goodness of it.

Spyro sniffed in disgust. "Ugh, Sparx, have you also been eating sweaty old socks?"

"No, it was Cynder's sports bra, get it right!" Sparx yelled in exasperation.

Cynder fainted.

Obama drove up in his limousine. "Guys! Guys! Get in the car!"

They all jumped in. Terrador slung Cynder's body in, not bothering to keep her head from smashing into the doorframe on the way. He threw her into the back. They drove back toward Manhattan. New Orleans had been destroyed in the war, but no one really noticed.

"Guys, that was awesome," Obama said. "The war is over, and everything is back to normal."

"Hey, where are we going to have Mardi Gra from now on?" Sparx wondered.

"Las Vegas, of course."

"YAY!"

"I wonder whatever happened to Saddam, though," Spyro said.

"Oh don't worry about him," Sparx said. "We won't ever have to worry about him again."

Several hundred miles out into the ocean, on a tiny island that was perfectly round and only a few miles in diameter, the local tribe was celebrating. For the sky god had fallen into their midst.

"I'M NOT A GOD!" Saddam screamed as the locals danced around him with torches and flowers. He had been tied to a chair.

"An offering to the mighty Tu-Tu Skye," a young woman said, shoving a snake into his mouth.

He spit it out. "I WANT TO GO BACK TO CANADA!"

Another person approached, holding out a poisonous dart frog. "An offering to the mighty Tu-Tu Skye."

Saddam's eye twitched. "HELP!"

Back in Manhattan...

Things were pretty much back to where they were at the start of this story.

Ignitus and Cyril now played Midnight Club.

"I'm winning!" Cyril shouted.

"No fair!" Ignitus protested. "You have a Porsche and I have a freakin' police car!"

Terrador, Sparx, and Cynder were watching Phineas and Ferb.

"Hey, where'd Perry go?" Sparx wondered.

Volteer was examining a bird specimen strapped to a lab table. "Its vocabulary is incredible!"

"I'll show you vocabulary!" Sniff shouted.

Spyro was setting up another nuke. "Russia will be sorry they ever messed with us," he muttered. "World War VI, I bid you hello. Mwah-haha!"

THE END!


End file.
